You’ve been told to slow down, rest and be kind to yourself. Maybe you tried it. You took the weekend off, slept in and cancelled plans. And on Monday it was all still there, or it felt worse.
That doesn’t mean you did it wrong. A weekend may simply not be enough recovery time. But rest may also be only part of what you need.
One word for a lot of different things
“Stress” is the word most of us use for anything that feels like too much. But having too much to do, feeling exhausted and going over the same worry all night are different experiences. What helps with one may not do much for another.
This isn’t a new idea. In 1984 the psychologists Richard Lazarus and Susan Folkman separated two jobs: dealing with the problem itself, and dealing with what it’s doing to you. Most of us need both, and it’s easy to get stuck using the wrong one: trying to calm down about a problem that could be solved, or trying to solve one that can’t be. Researchers who study recovery from work have found that rest isn’t one thing either. Switching off mentally, relaxing, taking on something new or challenging and having control over your own time all count as recovery, and they’re different from each other (Sonnentag and Fritz, 2007).
The seven patterns below are our way of organising these experiences. They draw on research, but the list itself isn’t an official classification or a tested questionnaire. You may recognise several at once. It’s a way to think about what’s making things difficult right now, and it can’t tell you what condition you have.
What stress can feel like
1. Too much at once
“There’s more on my plate than there are hours, and it’s been like that for a while.”
What’s going on: the demands are real, and you could list them: a job, a person, a bill, a deadline. Your stress is a fair reaction to too much.
What tends to help: changing the load where you can. Start with one commitment you could postpone or ask for help with. It also helps to be specific about what’s wrong. “I’m stressed” is hard to act on. “I don’t know if the invoice will be paid before rent is due” gives you a clearer problem to work on, even if you can’t solve it straight away.
What tends to backfire: treating it as a problem with you. Breathing exercises and early nights can help you cope, but they don’t take anything off the plate.
2. Running on empty
“I’m tired in a way a weekend doesn’t fix.”
What’s going on: you may have had too much to deal with and too little time to recover for a long time. Sleep and regular meals may have slipped too. This is one possible explanation for exhaustion; tiredness alone doesn’t tell you its cause.
What tends to help: enough sleep, fewer commitments and time to recover. Pace what you do so you have breaks before you’re exhausted. Something in the week itself may need to change too, especially if every break is followed by the same pressures again.
What tends to backfire: pushing through, or saving it all for one big holiday.
3. Switched on
“My body is on alert, tight and jumpy, even when nothing is happening right now.”
What’s going on: a stress response prepares your body to deal with a threat or demand. You can still feel on alert after the situation has passed. A research review suggests that worry and rumination can prolong this response or bring it back (Brosschot, Gerin and Thayer, 2006).
What tends to help: you could try a walk or another movement that suits your energy and mobility. Gentle, unforced breathing is another option, sitting or lying down if that’s comfortable (NHS, “Breathing exercises for stress”). Stop if it makes you uncomfortable. In Burnout, Emily and Amelia Nagoski describe movement and other ways of unwinding as “completing the stress cycle”. That’s their way of explaining it, rather than a physical task your body must finish.
What tends to backfire: forcing yourself to keep trying a relaxation exercise that makes you more uncomfortable. If sitting still leaves you restless, try a different approach. You don’t have to make yourself feel calm.
4. Going round in circles
“I keep going over the same thing, and it hasn’t got me anywhere.”
What’s going on: going over it can feel like doing something about it, even when you aren’t reaching a decision or learning anything new. Repetitive worrying may also prolong the body’s stress response (the Brosschot review above).
What tends to help: writing the worry down and setting aside a time to return to it. In one small study of 53 people who worried a lot, those assigned a daily 30-minute worry period at a set time and place reported less worry after two weeks than a comparison group instructed not to avoid worries as they arose (McGowan and Behar, 2013). That’s an encouraging result from a small, short study. If the same thought keeps coming back unchanged, it might need a decision rather than more thinking. In Thinking time, you can write it down for later.
What tends to backfire: treating the thought’s return as a failure. Writing it down doesn’t mean it won’t come back. When it does, you can remind yourself when you’ll return to it and bring your attention back to what you’re doing.
5. Avoiding more and more
“My life is smaller than it was a year ago, and I didn’t decide that.”
What’s going on: avoiding something you fear can bring quick relief, which makes it tempting to avoid it again. When the situation is safe, staying away can stop you discovering that you could cope with it (Krypotos and colleagues, 2015). Avoiding actual danger is protective; this section is about fear restricting things you could safely do.
What tends to help: gradually approaching safe situations you’ve been avoiding, in steps you can manage. If avoidance is increasingly limiting your life, get professional support. A doctor or therapist can help you work out what’s happening and how to approach it. This post and the app don’t guide you through that process.
What tends to backfire: repeatedly cancelling safe activities because of fear. The immediate relief can make it harder to try next time. You can still rest and be kind to yourself while getting help with avoidance.
6. The past keeps coming back
“Something that happened keeps coming back, as pictures, dreams or a jolt in my body, when I didn’t go looking for it.”
What’s going on: memories of a frightening or distressing experience can return unexpectedly, sometimes feeling as though it’s happening again. Images, dreams and physical reactions can be part of this (NHS, “PTSD”). Recognising that experience here doesn’t tell you whether you have PTSD.
What tends to help: grounding is one way to bring your attention to where you are now. For recurring distressing memories, speak to a doctor or a therapist trained in trauma. NICE recommends trauma-focused therapies for adults with PTSD or clinically important PTSD symptoms (NICE, 2018). A professional can help you work out what support fits your situation.
What tends to backfire: organising more and more of your life around avoiding reminders. This can keep fear going, but it doesn’t mean you should force yourself to confront memories. Work out how to approach them with someone trained to help.
7. Nothing much matters
“Things aren’t painful so much as flat. Nothing pulls me forward.”
What’s going on: when you stop doing things you enjoy or care about, there may be fewer opportunities for connection or satisfaction. That can make it harder to start again. It’s one possible part of feeling flat, rather than an explanation for every case.
What tends to help: choose something you care about and try a manageable step, without requiring yourself to feel motivated first. On a day with little energy, that might be sending a message to someone you miss. Behavioural activation is a structured therapy that includes returning to meaningful activities. A review of 26 trials found benefits for depression, although most studies were low quality and follow-up was short (Ekers and colleagues, 2014). That supports the approach; it doesn’t mean one activity will change how you feel.
Sometimes the flatness is about a life you put aside. It may help to find a first step towards it, even if the larger change will take time. Starting small doesn’t mean you have to give up the ambition.
What tends to backfire: putting everything off until you feel ready. If the flatness has lasted for weeks or you’ve lost interest in most things, see a doctor as well.
They often come together
You may recognise several of these at once. The number you recognise doesn’t tell you how serious things are. These experiences can also feed into each other.
For example, having too much to do can leave you exhausted. You might start cancelling plans, then find it harder to return to them. Over time, you could lose touch with people and activities you care about. That’s one possible sequence, not something everyone goes through.
You don’t have to resolve everything before taking a useful step. You might ask for help with a commitment or contact someone you’ve stopped seeing. If fear or distressing memories are limiting what you can do, getting professional support can be that first step.
Why the usual advice sometimes doesn’t help
Here are the seven again, side by side:
| What’s going on | What may help |
|---|---|
| Too much at once | Changing the load itself |
| Running on empty | Sleep, fewer commitments and time to recover |
| Switched on | Movement that suits you, or gentle breathing |
| Going round in circles | Writing worries down and setting a time to return to them |
| Avoiding more and more | Gradual steps towards safe situations, with professional support if life is becoming restricted |
| The past keeps coming back | Grounding in the moment; professional support for recurring distressing memories |
| Nothing much matters | Manageable steps towards things you care about, and contact with people |
Rest may be part of what you need, but it can’t do every job. It won’t remove a deadline or resolve a problem you keep worrying about. If resting has become spending more and more time away from people and activities that matter to you, you may also need support to start taking part again.
What helps can change over time, too. Staying in may give you needed recovery time during an exhausting week. Later, you might need help getting back to things you miss. If rest hasn’t helped, consider both possibilities: you may need more recovery time, or something else may need attention too.
What about burnout, anxiety and depression?
You might wonder where those words fit. They have their own definitions, which don’t map neatly onto this list. The World Health Organization describes burnout as an occupational phenomenon resulting from chronic workplace stress that hasn’t been successfully managed. Its three dimensions are exhaustion, distance or cynicism towards your job, and reduced professional efficacy, or feeling less effective at work. WHO doesn’t classify it as a medical condition.
You may see overlap with some of the experiences above. That’s a comparison with our framework, not a way to identify burnout, anxiety or depression.
A professional can help you understand whether one of those terms fits your situation. This list can’t. You don’t need a label to ask for help or make a practical change to your day.
Loss isn’t on this list
Grief after someone dies, or when a relationship ends, isn’t a problem to solve. You may recognise several of these experiences while grieving, but the ideas here aren’t meant to hurry you through it. There’s no timetable here for how you should feel.
When to talk to someone
Talk to a doctor if what you’re experiencing is persisting, getting worse or disrupting your day-to-day life. You don’t need to wait until things are severe. Recurring distressing memories and avoidance that increasingly limits your life are particular reasons to seek professional support. Ongoing exhaustion deserves attention too; this article can’t establish its cause. These are common reasons to ask for help, and support is available.
If you’ve had thoughts of not wanting to be here, seek urgent support. If you’re in danger right now, call your local emergency number. Crisis lines are listed at the bottom of this page.
What recovery can look like
Progress can be uneven. A difficult week doesn’t necessarily undo a useful change, and needing a different approach doesn’t mean you’ve failed. You might notice that a commitment has become more manageable or that you’ve started seeing someone you missed, even while things still feel difficult. Those are changes you can build on, with support where you need it.
Sources
- Lazarus, R. S. and Folkman, S. (1984). Stress, Appraisal, and Coping. Springer.
- Sonnentag, S. and Fritz, C. (2007). The Recovery Experience Questionnaire: development and validation of a measure for assessing recuperation and unwinding from work. Journal of Occupational Health Psychology, 12(3), 204–221.
- Brosschot, J. F., Gerin, W. and Thayer, J. F. (2006). The perseverative cognition hypothesis: a review of worry, prolonged stress-related physiological activation, and health. Journal of Psychosomatic Research, 60(2), 113–124.
- Nagoski, E. and Nagoski, A. (2019). Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle. Ballantine Books.
- NHS. Breathing exercises for stress.
- McGowan, S. K. and Behar, E. (2013). A preliminary investigation of stimulus control training for worry: effects on anxiety and insomnia. Behavior Modification, 37(1), 90–112.
- Krypotos, A.-M., Effting, M., Kindt, M. and Beckers, T. (2015). Avoidance learning: a review of theoretical models and recent developments. Frontiers in Behavioral Neuroscience, 9, 189.
- National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (2018). Post-traumatic stress disorder (NG116).
- NHS. PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder).
- Ekers, D. and colleagues (2014). Behavioural activation for depression: an update of meta-analysis of effectiveness and sub group analysis. PLoS ONE, 9(6), e100100.
- World Health Organization (2019). Burn-out an “occupational phenomenon”: International Classification of Diseases.
