Unstress
One thing at a time
When everything feels like too much, take one thing. Settle down a bit, say what the problem is, work out whether you can change it, and pick one small step.
“I’m stressed” is hard to do anything with. “I’m stressed because I don’t know if the invoice will be paid before rent” is different. That’s something you can act on. This page helps you get from the first sentence to the second, and then to one small step you can take.
What this is for
One specific problem. A bill, a deadline, a task, a conversation you’re dreading.
Not for these
Not grief. If someone has died, or a relationship has ended, that’s a loss. It’s not a problem you can solve, and trying to treat it like one tends to make it hurt more. It takes the time it takes.
Not something you’re avoiding because it scares you. This page would help you find a way around it, and that only makes the fear grow.
Read about avoidance →Not a memory that keeps coming back. That’s not a problem to sort out, and deciding something won’t make it stop.
When something keeps coming back →
- Settle
- Name it
- Choose
- Act
Take a moment before you start.
If you’re overwhelmed it might be hard to think straight, so give yourself a minute first. Breathe out slowly a few times, longer out than in. If you’re restless, move a bit first. Take the stairs or walk to the corner, then come back.
You don’t need to feel calm. A bit steadier is enough.
Move your body, too
A brisk walk, the stairs, anything that makes you breathe harder for a few minutes.
Deciding what to do about a problem doesn’t switch off the stress in your body. It keeps going after the problem is solved. That’s why people often feel worse once a crisis is over, not better. Moving helps your body finish. Do it alongside the thinking, not as a last step.
This page helps you think one problem through in your own words. It isn’t advice about what to decide, and it isn’t treatment for anything. If nothing on your plate seems like it can change, or it’s been too much for weeks now, talk to your doctor or someone you trust. There are support resources at the bottom of the page.
Where this comes from
This page is based on research about how people cope. It’s adapted as an educational self-help practice, not a treatment:
Dealing with a problem and dealing with how it makes you feel are two different things, and people do both.
Folkman, S., & Lazarus, R. S. (1980). An analysis of coping in a middle-aged community sample. Journal of Health and Social Behavior, 21(3), 219–239.Working on a problem pays off when the problem can change. When it can’t, working on how you feel helps more.
Folkman, S. (1984). Personal control and stress and coping processes: A theoretical analysis. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 46(4), 839–852.Letting go of a goal you can’t reach helps when you put that effort into a new one. That’s why Accept asks where the energy goes.
Wrosch, C., Scheier, M. F., Miller, G. E., Schulz, R., & Carver, C. S. (2003). Adaptive self-regulation of unattainable goals. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 29(12), 1494–1508.
Read more
- When there’s too much on your plate: how to take something off itWhen there’s more to do than fits, changing the load is usually part of the answer. How to see the whole list, take one thing off it, and raise workload at work.
- Sorting out the problem and calming down are two different jobsSolving what’s stressing you may not switch the stress off, and calming down won’t solve the problem. How to tell which needs your effort, and do both.